what a valentine's day and it hasnt even started

soo the one person i have been stressing over for the past 8 months or so of my life finally hit me after almost of month of not speaking to me. at first i thought it was because he was hella busy, then it was like 2 weeks and he wsnt responding to anything.. no texts emails aims phone calls. nothing. & i swear ive lost sleep over the shit. dude's lifestyle has been one i still havent adjusted to even if we're just friends at this point in time,. he has soo many goals and is ambitious as hell. thats one dude who is def chasing his dream and catching up. i mean ive tried and tried to understand, to be patient, and me moving 2000 miles away from him hasnt helped the situation much either. you think rejection is tough? try wanting to be with someone and that person wanting to be with you but you cant be together? sure we can work at the long distance thing, but that shit is emotionally draining.. mentally draining. it consumes you. and im koo off doing that again. but i want him. im confused as fuck because there's no way i'd put my life on hold for a dude as i wouldnt expect a dude to put his life on hold for me. we're young as fuck and i would like to think that maybe later on it could work. when the hard work is done and there's actually time available. ive only been in love once, i havent gotten to being in love witht his one, or im probably in denial.. but i can admit i love him. got madd love for him.. we've been through a lot. we're both to blame for how things are.. but i cant help to put more of the blame on him. he put everything before me when i needed him to be there most. but its like how can i knock that? idk. pretty much im just stuck. ive never wanted anybody so much. and i know its because of how things used to be between us. i knew i could come to him for anything, he was there when i had any problems, pushed me to be better, let me know how much he was into me everyday, aim'd me when my away gave away the fact that i was mad or sad. i remember talking to my best friend one day when i was at work n i started crying because for the first time ever i felt validated by a boy. i felt wanted.. he got into my mind long before he ever touched my body and that says alot. my past with the opposite sex was a bitch up until the day i met him. no one else mattered.. but he came at a time where i was making major life changes. and no matter how much he supported me.. we let everything else get in the way of US. i know i hurt him when i hopped on that place and moved to chicago. i mean the shit hurt me too and it still does to this day. we're stuck in a masquerade.. back and forth shit. and ive probably said im done like 50349348934 times but here i am at 334am writing about him. and its only because i know that if i were back in the bay we'd off top be together. excuse my blabbing. i just needed to vent. and if he's reading this.. you're my motivation to excel out here, because here is the reason i lost you.. so imma make it worth the loss.

a dose of randomness.

uhmm so today was an interesting day because i CHOPPPEEED my hair. its been like 4 hours and i'm still not used to it! lol. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. for more than half my life ive kept my hair long. the closest thing to short i'd ever cut it was like layers.. well hopefully everybody else likes it lol. def gonna take some time to adjust to!

so tomorro is valentines day. booooo! yep, im valentine-less. but its koo tho. i never have a valentine. i swear i find someone after valentines or break up/end things not too long before valentines day. weird how that works out. but im still trying to get over the last one and tomorrow is not gonna make it any better =(. i'll live though lol. but shit today really wasnt a productive today so that is all.

oohhh.. & im sooo fuckin determined to see pac div perform in person! =P


p.s. enjoy this!

wtf?!

okay so since this is my first blog.. i'll make it about something that has been on my mind all day..

i was in my english class today, and we had to discuss our definitions of a generation gap. i couldnt even come up with a definition. but i do believe that a generation is defined by what impacts it, what advances that generation, what political issues stayed getting printed in the newspapers, events that have impacted that generation as a whole. because we all know our parents went through different shit than we have gone through. then we got to talking about how our generation's views and perceptions are different than ours when it comes to a lot of things. like religion, sexuality, politics, relationships, etc.

anyway on to my point.. relationships back then truly differ from relationships now. sex has become something so casual, that it kind of defeats the whole being in love and showing intimacy thing.. my friend told me her mom asked her if she has had sex with her boyfriend being that they been together for a long while. my friend was hesitant to reply, and her mom was like "im just asking because i know you guys really love each other and thats how you show love." if sex symbolizes love why do we have it so freely? i mean dont get me wrong, ive only been in love with 1 person out of however many partners ive had. so im not all conservative on the shit. but how is that our generation has fucked up an act thats supposed to show how much you care and love someone? like today's love is nothing like that 40's love.. or that 50's love. i understand women now are less dependent on men than back then,, maybe thats why we have that attitude that we dont need a man in our lives.. just some sexual intercourse from time to time. and we degrade ourselves by agreeing to the whole "friends with benefits" thing because men off top come off saying "im not looking for a relationship" blah blah. so if no man is looking for a relationship why do women seek it? its like im on a hunt for something i will never find. omg and on top of that. dudes dont even know how to talk to women anymore. i give you my number.. dont text me.. call me. shit is so bogus nowadays. back then they didnt have email, aim, or text. niggas hadda go see each other, spend quality time. i dont know basically im trying to say i think our generation needs to reanalyze our views on relationships.. can you be with someone because you genuinely like them and not because you know in the end youre getting whats in their jeans?